Hard days

As a stay at home mom of two with another one the way, sometimes my patience is spread terribly thin. There are days like yesterday: my head is throbbing, my belly aching and both boys very tired and emotional when things end up less than ideal.

It was late afternoon and I attempted a trip to the library for a juggling show. The bigger child enjoyed it greatly, but the two year old was ready for a nap and began rolling, kicking and acting up. We lasted 30 minutes before I was done wrangling and my patience ran out. So home we went, ready for naps. I asked everyone to nap just so I could sleep, being five months pregnant with a tummy ache made for a very tired mommy. And so, we tried, and my four year old have it a good shot. But as I fell asleep he came in asking to read stories and I lost it. Much like a toddler who loses it completely, I started crying and being mean. Why would you want a story right now when Mom is exhausted? How could you ask?

And as expected, he went to his room, shunned by his mom, and cried. And my heart sunk and I felt like the worst mother ever.

I called him to me and apologized, grabbed books and we cuddled and did stories.

But the pain of my reaction stuck with me all afternoon and my guilt grew. I felt terrible and as I unloaded on my Husband that evening, he helped me realize that the kids were fine, the moment passed and everything would be well tomorrow.
All of us have bad days, moments when we lose it and just cannot be selfless anymore. I feel as society expects us to be super humans, super mothers who dress fabulously, bake, craft, create and have beautiful, well behaved children who are prefect stimulated and socialized. This is just not humanly possible. And, as moms we deserve a bit if grace to forgive ourselves for being human. Because being mom, whether stay at home, working, single, gay, straight or married is a ROUGH job. It is hours of endless selflessness, love and patience that sometimes just takes a toll on our minds and hearts. And everyone makes mistakes, even when that means momentarily hurting your kids’ feelings in a weak instance.

Return to center

Summer and life seems to move at breakneck speeds when children are involved. And for my (soon to be not so) small family it seems a conscious effort to slow down and catch our breathes has been in order. A few days ago Hubby and I had a long, long chat about how we both longed for our homemade days of a few years back, where home was truly where everything happened, where we cooked, baked, played and created.
For me, it seems the draw the do more, to keep up and catch up is greater the bigger my family gets until I reach a point where I just can’t anymore. Too many days out, too many quick grocery stops, too many fast lunches or dinners, and tired, exhausted boys who need their time to relax. And so we regroup, pare it down and return to our center, our home.
Lately the days have been slow, intentional and filled with the sort of childhood moments I dream of for my boys. There have been friends, yes, and a trip to the coast for the Fourth, but overall much more home time to explore and relax.
Truly, my heart is much happier here in this small house as it bursts with life and creation. With moments in my day to create, my sewing and knitting are steadily coming along, there have been a few shirts made, Hubby has begun a batch of wine, there is talk and plans for a kiln going in. I enjoy watching the boys discover new ways to play both with each other and alone. And I enjoy being able to say yes – yes you can stay up late, yes you can have another ice pop, yes yes yes. For no schedules and time constraints means more yeses, less no’s and many, many more moments of bliss.